Some Things Are Worth Dying For
by Remix Sakura
Summary: Harry's thoughts at the end of Book 5. REALLY REALLY HUGE SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE FINISHED ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!


REALLY REALLY HUGE SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!  
  
This fanfic contains immense spoilers pertaining to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Please do not read it unless you have finished this book. Do nut come flaming to me that I ruined the book for you because you didn't heed the warnings. Again, for all the slow people, DO NOT READ THIS FANFICTION UNLESS YOU HAVE FINISHED ORDER OF THE PHOENIX AS IT CONTAINS IMMENSE SPOILERS AND WILL TOTALLY RUIN THE BOOK FOR YOU.  
  
Now that you understand the above, you may proceed...  
  
OK, now that we've filtered out all the slow readers who didn't finish Order of the Phoenix in three days, welcome to the fic. I basically wrote this as a personal attempt to grieve for Sirius, one of my absolute favorite HP characters. It's hard to believe that this wonderful guy who did so much for the story, for Harry, and for me, is dead and gone. Writing this made tears flow from my eyes. I admired Sirius so much for his ability to be a strong cornerstone in Harry's life, and at the same time retain his youthful, reckless, fun-loving personality. When he went to help save Harry against everyone's orders, it may have seemed like the dumbest thing he ever did, but I think it showed just how much he really cared about Harry: he was willing to give his life to protect him. This shows to everyone who didn't know before that Sirius a great, noble, brave man, and I hope he'll always be remembered that way in reader's minds.  
  
And so, I dedicate this fic to the memory of Sirius Black a.k.a. Padfoot, the Animagus, the Marauder, a godfather, a friend to all, and a great wizard. Rest in peace, bro.  
  
/center  
  
This just doesn't seem real. Every time I think about the pain of Sirius being gone...I just seem to think, 'Wait. He's gone? He's dead? No he's not. He's just hiding away, like he has to. He'll be back. Won't he?'  
  
But I know these are feeble questions. It'll be a while before my heart can truly acknowledge this...  
  
Sirius Black is dead. My godfather, my only family, my dear friend, is dead. He was killed, murdered by some bitch Death Eater in the Department of Mysteries.   
  
Every time I try to think of it, the horror wells up in me again. I saw him hit with the curse. I saw him fall, collapse through the wall behind the veil. He was dead, and then he disappeared, vanished from us forever. All because he had to come and save me.  
  
I feel like this is going to stay with me forever, this searing guilt, this wrenching pain, all this emptiness in my soul. I feel like a part of myself that I loved so dearly and kept so close to my heart has been sucked forcibly out of me, draining me of some vital force. Why does Voldemort have to keep killing the people around me? Why must he rip someone else from my life, after he took my mother and father? He knows it will break me down, crush me into tiny little pieces so I'll no longer have the strength to fight him. Oh god, and I think it's working. I miss you so much, and I want you to come back more than I have every wanted anything else.  
  
I wish I had thought to open that package and call you through the mirror. I wish I had told you the things I kept inside. Maybe you would have understood, and we could have done things differently. Maybe things could have been different right now. Maybe this and maybe that. It's no good to dwell on unfulfilled possibilities, I know, but I can't help it. I was such a fool to search for some way to see you again. All the teachers say things like that are part of the normal grieving process. Hell, this isn't a normal process by any means. I'm just bumbling around, trying to find some way to endure all this grief. I doubt most of the time whether I can ever get through it. Most of the time I believe that if it doesn't go away soon, I will surely be crushed under its weight and die. That wouldn't be so bad, dying. Even if I don't know what it would be like, it must surely be better than this. No more of the aches of having to wake up every morning, no more homework, no more Dursleys, or Voldemort, or fighting, or guilt, or anguish, or anything. I feel like I'm so tired that the only release I can ever have is never waking up.  
  
How are we all supposed to go on without you? How can I deal with the greatest pain I have ever felt? Oh, gawd, the tears are welling up again. My glasses are already stained with salt, my sleeve wet with saliva and mucus, and my cheeks raw from wiping them so much. Everything seems tainted with darkness now. I can't think clearly, and I can't be happy for more than a few minutes at a time, when my mind gravitates back to my enormous feelings of loss. I've lost someone so dear to me, one of the few people that stand truly close to my heart, the people I really love. Everyone says I have to let this go, that the only way I can stop the pain is to accept that you are gone forever. But how can I accept the brutal, pointless killing of such a noble man?   
  
But I remember how you said that some things are worth dying for. Damnit, why did you want to die for me?! Did you want me to feel like this now? Am I worth dying for? It was wrong, it wasn't worth it for you to come and try to save me. Why would you want to go and do something stupid like die for me?!?  
  
Why? Because you loved me. You knew well that you might die trying to save me, but you didn't care. I was your child, and you would always protect me, no matter what. You always did everything you could to be there for me. And look what I did to you. I must be the worst human being on the face of the earth. But you still loved me.  
  
It's sad how most never knew who you were. You were a murderer, a renegade to them. But I was lucky enough to know the real Sirius, a kind soul, a selfless friend, a dedicated soldier, and a brave man who gave his life for me.  
  
I'll never forget you, Sirius, and what you did for me. You loved me like your own son, and you did everything you knew how to make sure I would always be all right. I never got to express this gratitude. I wish you could hear me now, my words, my tears. I only wish you could know. I love you very much, Sirius, and your memory will stay with me forever. 


End file.
